Saturday after the show (Off Air)

The day after the show.

I knew it was going to be a tough one. Given that so many well know stalwards of the entertainment community had passed this week, Bowie in particular, and all the stuff weighing me down with my personal life (family, health) it was difficult to even imagine where to start on that playlist.

Pulling music for a show is normally an organic thing. I look at what has been sent to me that week and cruise through the thousands of files on the computer as well as the stacks of CDs around the house.
To get 17 songs with 40% Canadian content isn't really hard, it just takes a while deciding which ones goes where and how the flow will end up.

This week, though, I let emotion set the list. I don't think I have had as angry and strong, loud playlist in a very long time. Truthfully I didn't even realize it was this powerful until I heard it during the live broadcast.

And you know what? It's exactly what I needed.

Sure hope the audience felt the same way

So it's Christmas (Off Air)

Well, now life is kinda in limbo health wise, lots of hurry up and wait for the next steps.

And the mayhem of trying to reach out and touch EVERYBODY is in full swing.

Weird what kind of reaction this holiday season illicits in folks.

As a little kid, I would furiously pull out all of my dolls and other toys and play with them constantly especially the ones that were at the very back of the closet. I don't know if I felt they were feeling unloved or underappreciated or if in some small way I knew that that moment would never come again.

So, it was with some of that same feeling that the Christmas playlist was pulled together this year.
(Am taking the actual day off to spend with family) Songs that have been on the list every year the show has been on the air. Songs that have never been played. Gotta tell you, I choked up with a few of them.

This is my way of letting people know that I am living this time with them even if I can't say it face to face. After all, we are all in this together

With that, may I wish anyone reading this and those listening and supporting community radio a very happy holiday and may you have a peaceful and joyous new year.

Be thinking of you,

Carol B

Friday (After The Show)

Don't know really how the days ahead will play out but let me tell you, it was hard concentrating on the show tonight.

We all take for granted that the folks we see and hear in the media will always be the same. That nothing ever happens to them. And when they do disappear from our lives, they do just that.  Suddenly someone else is in their place and the cycle continues, uninterrupted. We rarely know what happened to bring about the change, but life goes on and it isn't more than of passing interest in most cases.

Have been faced today with the possibility that I may lose my voice in the event that the abnormalities in my thyroid turn out to be cancer. Surgery to remove the offending organ will do that, you know. The thyroid is so close to the vocal cords that it is never guaranteed that they will recover their original pitch. Then of course there is the radiation to consider, another whole can of worms. Mind you at this point, 5 days before I go in to review the results of the ultrasound, nothing is known for sure. It's just that in my experience when you have a test on a Wednesday, you never get a call back a day and a half later unless there is something afoot.

The prospect of giving up the one thing I truly love, the radio show, is heartbreaking. I can't imagine not using my voice to share music and reach out to listeners who have over the last few years become friends.

Wow. Waiting for the appointment is going to be agony, but the worst case results would be crushing.

Friday the 13th (on air)

Wow.

As if the stress of the membership drive wasn't enough (and a number of personal family issues leading up to tonight) then just as I was entering the studio, the news of the attacks on Paris were announced in the phone room.

It was at that moment that my first instinct was just to pack up and leave. Not speak to anyone, not offer an explanation, just up and leave. Quit the show. Never enter the doors again.

I mean, after all, here we are raising money to keep a community radio station alive and on the air, and there are people not only in Paris but globally who are dying and being injured for something they have absolutely no control over. There will be more people who will suffer the injustice of racism and hate when they were in no way involved in the agenda that brought this and other acts of terror about.
Kids, young people, the elderly, citizens like you and me, all wiped out without the perpetrators even knowing who they were.
This is fucking insane.

Anyway, I did after all do my duty to the station. I was numb but comforted to know that some folks heard what I did and valued what community radio stood for.  And then it slowly dawned on me that there was a reason for it to continue, a real purpose.

Without this kind of operation, those of all cultures and ideas do not have the same access to a voice, even in a small way. Without CIUT, we lose another chance to connect with groups and ideas outside of our own.

It seems like a small thing in light of what is happening. But it is something. And change happens from a growing number of somethings: ways of thinking, seeing and hearing the other side of every story and connecting the voices of real people to those things.

I need some silence and peace right now.

I will return.

Day Three of Membership Drive (Off Air)

Don't really think there is much point in blogging until the drive is over and the family crises are over.

Most listeners only know me through the weekly show, and sometimes it's hard to realize that that voice has a lot on the go, good and bad, when it's not on air.

However, despite all the goings-on this week and moving forward, membership drives can't be ignored.  Have done probably about 8 at this point, either on the phones or on the air. It makes me feel so alone and unloved sometimes. For those who call in and either say hi or donate, I don't want to sound ungrateful or unappreciative. It's just that this process is a necessary part of the station's survival and somehow it always becomes a popularity contest.

I donate to a whack of shows. I don't want them to feel what I do.

Having said that, if you are reading this and support community radio, even if you don't earmark your dollars for one show, please do it during my time slot.

As the man says, reach out and touch somebody. It gets really lonely out here.
And I promise not to spend it, even for jujubes.

Show Day (On Air)

Well, a number of the old stalwarts were at a pre membership drive meeting last night. I kinda like those things because I get to put faces to the names I hear bantered around from year to year.
Sometimes they surprise me...radio folk often don't look the way you think they will.

Anyway, despite dealing with one family crisis after another, the show is ready to air and the membership show is in the works. "Keep it punchy, keep it fresh, don't compromise the show for the drive but make sure tons of people give." Feels like it should be easy to get donations from listeners but in reality it seems to be the same faithful guys and gals who listen every week. I feel as if we are family at this point. Hell, we even email one another or became Facebook friends.

So on with the show, I guess. This week really feels like the calm before the storm. Or tsunami.

Tuesday in the City (Off Air)

In a perfect world, everyone would have a few dollars to support community radio.

Everyone, at least those who listen, would make that call during the show that let me know that I had not been working in vain. Someone was out there and they might miss me if I was  no longer.

Asking for financial support is really hard. I wish I didn't have to do it, but without big bucks in advertising and corporate sponsorship, it is a cold reality that those who find us on the dial are asked to help keep the station afloat.

And being Canadian, I am writing cheques for other people's shows just so that they don't feel unloved.

Sure hope someone does it for me.